If your childhood was anything like mine, the word "Dragonball" stirs up memories of mindless weekday afternoons devoted to Toonami, Cartoon Network's block of Japanes animation. Images of exaggerated fireball duels between hyper-muscular men with spiky hair come happily to mind.
"Dragonball: Evolution," the charmless live-action adaptation of the popular manga/anime series that hooked many in the mid-90s, will probably have original fans crying foul at the defilement of another cherished childhood franchise.
The film panders to the Spongebob Squarepants generation. So unless you retain a prepubescent mentality, the movie feels 20,000 leagues below any semblance of sophistication. Even looking at it from the perspective of someone who understands and appreciates the far-fetched antics of the anime, the movie is too far entrenched in a maudlin script that bleeds the empathy out of its characters.
Teenaged Goku (an inexplicably Caucasian Justin Chatwin) is a high school outcast who just can't seem to get his dream girl, Chi Chi (Jamie Chung), despite having superhuman martial arts skills. On his 18th birthday, his mentor grandfather bequeathes to him one of the seven mystic dragonballs, said to unleash a wish-granting dragon.
Unbeknownst to Goku, a 2,000 year-old demon named Lord Piccolo (an unrecognizable James Marsters, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"), is collecting dragonballs in order to destroy mankind, take over the world or maybe order Avon lotion. It's never stated, but character motivation isn't important here. He's green-skinned and evil, OK?
Joining Goku on his race to collect more dragonballs than Piccolo is spunky scientist Bulma Briefs (Emmy Rossum), kung-fu master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat) and the money-hungry Yamcha (Joon Park), whose contribution to the film I've still yet to figure out.
Opening with the usual "mythic past" exposition (an ominous voice-over with fade-in scenes), "Dragonball" engages in every worn-out plot technique known to fantasy-fiction, going as far as altering Goku's personality from the anime to fit the outcast stereotype. Chatwin is simply too good-looking to be that guy. Pretty people don't get ostracized for no reason at all, especially if said outcast can give you a good trouncing.
Produced by Stephen Chow, who's fueled better tongue-in-cheek kung-fu fare in "Shaolin Soccer" and "Kung-fu Hustle," "Dragonball" plays like an over-budgeted episode of Power Rangers. By the time Goku finally revs up for the signature Kamehameha fireball attack, the 84-minute film already feels drawn out.
Is this a case of a critic being overly harsh on a kid's film, perhaps upset that she has outgrown a beloved set of characters? Possibly. Is "Dragonball" still shoddily slapped together and the script a mere whisper of what it should have been? Most assuredly so.
Verdict: Kamehame-ugh.
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